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October 7, 2021 by Lori Mattern Leave a Comment

Don’t Let Divorce Derail Your Company or Career

Going through the divorce process can take a heavy toll on all aspects of life, including your work life. While this is true no matter where you are at in your career, the effects of divorce on high-level professionals can be especially profound.

In your role, you need to be able to focus, make timely decisions, be able to lead and meet deadlines–this never stops.

If you’re dealing with a divorce, it can affect your ability to focus, your confidence, and your decision-making skills, which can negatively impact your work. If you are a professional – whether a C-suite executive, manager, partner, business owner, entrepreneur, surgeon, etc. – you can’t afford downtime at work. It is imperative to” keep your head in the game,” or else your business or career will suffer.

High-level professionals already have many demands placed on them at the office, and often experience elevated levels of stress and anxiety as a result. Going through the divorce process only makes things more challenging.

If you don’t want divorce to get in the way of your success, here are a few strategies you should implement:

  • Practice self-care – It’s essential to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally when you’re going through a divorce. And guys, don’t be put off by the notion of self-care – it’s just as important for men as it is for women. Regular exercise, a well-balanced diet, meditation, regular sleep, massage – these are all healthy practices that can be incorporated into your daily and weekly routines to help you feel better and function optimally.
  • Keep your personal and professional life separate – This is easier said than done, but it’s vital to keep your personal life out of the office as much as possible. Doing so will help to cut down on office gossip, and will keep your divorce from affecting your work life too much.
  • Get help – Talking to a divorce coach or therapist experienced in dealing with divorce can help you get through the pain of divorce and move forward so you can be focused, productive, and empowered in all areas of your life. An experienced professional can provide you with the tools, skills, and support you need to learn and grow through this life-altering experience.

Here at CEO Divorce Coach, we specialize in helping professionals in highly-demanding careers rebuild their lives during and after divorce. By working with Coach Nick Meima and in our proven, personalized 12-week program, you’ll gain control over your life and keep your divorce from adversely affecting your career.

You can learn more about our program here, or contact Nick here.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce

January 30, 2020 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

How to Deal with Conflict in a Relationship

There’s a certain degree of conflict that’s inevitable where each of us has a need which may conflict with another person’s need. Conflict isn’t inherently bad, so the question is how do we deal with it?

Let’s use this example

We’re driving in the car and the temperature in the car is uncomfortable for you. The first question is do you say something? The second is how do you communicate about it? It starts with having a need that’s not met and how you negotiate to get it met.

The way you communicate can be simple and clear which allows us to make a simple adjustment to the temperature in the car. Or if you communicate by saying “What’s wrong with you that it’s so cold or hot in here?” then it becomes a criticism or judgment as opposed to an expression of a need. Now it becomes a major conflict with emotional entanglement. Now, we’re into what we can call a “fight” and we’re battling for power and control and some respect and recognition.

Conflict and Paradigms
The paradigms always at play are power and control, closeness and caring and respect and recognition.

We tend to approach these situations where we feel like we don’t have control or power, or we feel like the other person doesn’t care about us or respect us or recognize our needs. Some of us have what is referred to as a bias to negativity: We tend to have a bias toward thinking the other person doesn’t care about us and as a result, it intensifies our defensiveness with the other person and now, we’re deep into a fight. You don’t care about me and for me to “survive”, I must fight for what I need. Now it becomes more aggressive rather than assertive, now I’m more and more in victim consciousness. Wherein my belief is I’m not enough and I’m not going to get the recognition or caring or be in control. This is happening TO me, I’m the victim here.

Now I go to my typical fight, flight or freeze because I’m now in a very defended mode and depending on who the person is and what the circumstances are, I might use any one of those three defenses which makes the behavior aggressive not assertive. That’s how most people play out conflict; they cycle back from a simple start to intensifying partly because of how they define it (oh, this person doesn’t care about temperature) and now I’m in a “life-or-death” struggle. It’s not literally life or death but in the victim consciousness we drop into, it feels like that.

Authentic Consciousness and Conflict
We want to change the paradigm into authentic consciousness so we might express our discomfort by saying, “I wonder if we can adjust the temperature as it’s a little too chilly in the car.” And the driver says, “Sure, that’s fine.” It all starts with a simple need and how that need gets expressed.

If I’m in victim consciousness, I already have a preconceived notion that I don’t matter so that affects how I communicate and that affects you and how you react or respond to me. If I’m in authentic consciousness, I can say, “Hey, I get that you’re upset, what exactly do you need?” If I get triggered, now two of us are in reactive mode and the conflict escalates into where I’m going to be “right” and you’re going to be “wrong”.

So, communicating from a place of authentic consciousness shows that we know and implicitly believe that we deserve to be cared for; we know that we deserve a degree of respect and recognition and we know that we can negotiate from a place of power, so we have it within us. That comes from an implicit acceptance of our true identity as a wonderful person, a gem, and knowing that we are enough.

Conflict and Negative Bias
The negative bias starts from the place of “I’m not enough”. I’m always scanning my environment and always finding confirmation of my “not enoughness”. So, if I’m not enough, there’s never enough. There’s never enough love, money, whatever it is. So, remembering that in victim consciousness, because I’m not enough, I’m feeling anxious because I’m always dependent on other people. I feel shame because I’m not enough. I feel resentment and blame so the one word I use to describe all the emotions that are constantly alive in us in victim consciousness is desperation.

When I’m desperate, I act desperately—there’s simply not enough and I’m desperate to try to find it and create it. The consciousness here is based on fear and that prompts a constant state of reactivity.

According to Henry David Thoreau, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” That’s what’s referred to here; there’s no ease, no sense of belongingness. We must numb ourselves to cope with it as underneath it is a sense of anxiety, blame, shame and resentment. And, for this person, there’s never enough, however, there can be enough when you move from victim consciousness to authentic consciousness.

 

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain

January 15, 2020 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

Effects of Divorce in the Workplace

The effects of divorce in the workplace are staggering. Employees struggling through a divorce are often tardy or miss work and have poor performance and lower productivity than their colleagues. And, though they may be at work, they’re often absent mentally, emotionally and creatively.

Harvard Business Review estimated that presenteeism costs American business $150 billion annually. Distracted employees represent a significant cost to a company attempting to reach its goals, and to make wise and well-informed decisions that affect the bottom line.

Numerous studies have found a causal link between lowered productivity with divorce issues often stretching into months and years. The financial toll it takes on a company is immense.

  • Minneapolis-based Life Innovations study titled “Marriage and Family Wellness: Corporate America’s Business?” calculated that stress from relationship-related issues costs companies $300 billion a year.
  • This study also found that employees lose more than 168 hours of work time in the year following a divorce, which is reported to be more than 8% of their actual time at work.
  • A study from the Grief Recovery Institute found that workplace costs from serious emotional distress are $75 billion a year due to:
    • lost productivity
    • absenteeism
    • increased errors and accidents
    • reduced concentration
    • poor decision-making
    • distraction

The effects of divorce also cause elevated stress and anxiety levels which can lead to poor health and increased healthcare costs for the employee and the company.

How Employers Can Help

If you have an employee struggling with the end of a relationship, it’s important to offer them support. Talk to them directly. Strategize solutions that will help with maintaining their workload. Nip office gossip in the bud. Allow flex hours so they can attend a divorce support program or legal appointments, or pick a sick child up from school.

An Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that offers therapy can be helpful but, it can only do so much to minimize the effects of divorce in the workplace. The five to six therapy sessions approved by the typical EAP just aren’t effective enough to get a person past the divorce crisis. When an employee doesn’t get help, it’s a given that their work performance will suffer; they may get depressed or choose substances to cope, and their work relationships typically suffer.

The 10-Week Rebuilding Program

After Divorce Support offers a 10-week Rebuilding program based on proven techniques for ending a relationship and building a new life. This program is available online and in-person—whether individual or in a group format—to help minimize the effects of divorce. Divorce support groups allow a person to get back on their feet more quickly than traditional therapy and this degree of stability will reflect in their work.

Typically, it costs more for an employer to subsidize individual therapy sessions than it does the cost of the 10-week Rebuilding program. It’s been our experience that 10 weeks of Rebuilding does more for a person than a year of therapy and the results are phenomenally different.

Take the examples of Adam and Keri. Adam is a customer service manager at a high-tech company. Keri is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Both served with divorce papers at work and immediately fell apart. Unable to make strategically sound and timely decisions they’re challenged while in the midst of the divorce upheaval. Divorce in the workplace causes emotional unraveling at a minimum and depression is the worst-case scenario.

Offering the 10-week Rebuilding program to an employee—who can participate online from the comfort and privacy of their own home—is the only proven option available to help minimize the effects of divorce. Rebuilding is effective in the short-term whereas therapy often is not. The groundbreaking Rebuilding work helps people successfully cope with the end of a relationship by facing their “stumbling blocks” rather than repeatedly tripping over them.

As a relationship and divorce support coach, we offer the 10-week Rebuilding program to those struggling with divorce. Please contact us to add this powerful and life-changing program to your EAP toolbox. If you’re an employee struggling with divorce, please consider Rebuilding; it truly is life-changing.

Nick Meima is a Divorce Support Coach with decades of experience coaching men and women through the challenges of a relationship ending. Contact Nick for a free consultation at [email protected] or visit AfterDivorceSupport.com.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Rebuilding

December 20, 2019 by Nick Meima

What About the Children? Children of Divorce.

Children of divorce are profoundly affected when their parents are in conflict. They are dependent on parents for well-being and survival and are helpless to resolve any of their issues. They often feel responsible for the divorce. It is true that children are resilient, and we often hear, “Don’t worry about the kids; they’ll bounce back.”

When parents get separated or divorced, most of the child’s world is turned upside down. They have to contend with going between the two parents’ homes. They often have to change schools. In one home they have their pet. One parent is more permissive or tolerant. Often children get emotionally neglected or pushed aside as a result of the parents’ emotional turmoil.

Both parents are typically unstable for a period of time as they adjust to their new life. Often parents underestimate how much time healing takes and begin dating very soon after the divorce. And the children are quickly introduced to their new “friend.” More complicated is when the parents have “sleepovers”- while the children are in the home.

Very frequently one or both of the parents will criticize or judge the other to the children. To belittle, criticize, gossip about, or malign your “ex” is extremely upsetting for the children. Unfortunately, some parents persist in making comments that are destructive to the parent/child relationship. Not only does it erode a sense of trust and security that children need, it also leads to anxiety, depression, and often medical problems develop.

If even one parent is able to regain their emotional footing, some essential stability can be set in place for the children. We teach the 10 Week Rebuilding Series to help adults deal with a relationship ending in order to help with the healing process which is necessary for moving on with their lives.

Children of Divorce

Although not everyone has children, we are all affected when the children suffer.

The 10 Week Rebuilding Series is designed to help all adults who are dealing with the end of their relationship. Our goal is to “get you back on their feet” as quickly as possible. Over the last 30 years, tens of thousands of people have participated in the classes and have gained the insights, awareness, and support needed to be able to move ahead in ways that just going to therapy could not. Unfortunately, most people cannot afford therapy, which is what’s recommended for help with some of the deeper issues to further help with moving forward.  Our seminar is affordable and arguably the best way to move past denial and avoid getting stuck in the victim stage.

There is hope. There is support. And there is a way through the pain! Join us and begin Rebuilding today. Registration is Open.

Filed Under: Blog, Children and the Impact of Conflict, Divorce, Rebuilding Tagged With: children, conflict, divorce

December 10, 2019 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

7 Ways to Improve Your Self-Image During Divorce

The first struggle which often accompanies stressful times is a poor self-image. Taking care of yourself and starting each day looking nice is a rare occurrence when you’re feeling emotionally shattered. It is only natural that you are going to feel sad and upset. You may have a hard time moving forward. The important thing is that you take care of yourself.

Here are 7 ways to jumpstart improving your self-image

  1. Begin a New Hobby. Consider hiking, biking, cycling, swimming, reading, dancing, cooking, sewing, crafting, painting, writing, blogging, etc. Choose something you’ve always wanted to do and which will have a positive impact on your self-image. Hobbies are a wonderful way to get out of the house and interact with people who have the same passions as you.
  2. Exercise. A recreation class is an ideal way to get out of the house and rev up your metabolism. Working out will help you feel good about yourself while improving your health. Many workout classes are also a great way to meet new friends.
  3. Get Dressed! Men: Shave! Women: Use a bit of make-up! Your self-esteem barometer will soar! Take time to care about what you look like by making the effort to look good every day even if you’re unsure what your plans are.
  4. Invest in a clothing subscription service. Divorce is a highly transitional time in life. It’s important to dress appropriately for every occasion – especially if you don’t feel like it. Your budget may have changed when your relationship changed and investing in a  clothing subscription service such as Le Tote can ensure you have fresh wardrobe options. Wearing nice clothing every single day will increase your self-image and how others view you, too.
  5. Maintain a healthy diet. It is very easy to visit a drive-thru to avoid cooking dinner at home. Don’t fall into this routine. Make a trip to the grocery store and seek out healthy foods you can eat on-the-go. If you don’t feel like making dinner, pick up a pre-made salad, a container of organic soup and some dinner rolls. There are healthy protein bars you can find in the natural and organic aisle, too. Choosing to eat a healthy breakfast and pack a lunch for work is an ideal way to keep costs down and improve your health at the same time.
  6. Reach out to old and new friends. Keeping in touch with friends is very important during a time of change and trauma. Haven’t spoken to a friend in a few years? The benefit of the Internet and social media is that one can feel like they still know a person they have not seen in a while due to viewing their online pictures and posts. Don’t be afraid to make contact again. Being around fresh minds and faces can shine some light on your self-image.
  7. Read a Self-Help Book. Ebooks, Nooks and Kindles have made it possible to read in a variety of inexpensive ways. If your mind wanders while reading the book, pick up another until you resonate with one.

Taking these steps to rebuild yourself after a traumatic, life-changing experience is a step in the right direction.  It takes courage and determination to move forward and as women, we have that drive. Slowly over time the wounds will heal and keeping up with your self-image is extremely important to help those wounds heal.

For Divorce Support and Divorce Coaching, please contact Nick Meima, founder of the nationally-recognized company, After Divorce Support.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain, Rebuilding, Self Compassion Tagged With: divorce support, how to increase your self image after a divorce, self esteem, self image, self image and self esteem

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"As a surgeon, I was desperate to find a way to cope with my divorce. My confidence was undermined. My performance in the operating room, and my interactions with patients, staff and colleagues were all deteriorating. Fortunately a friend recommended Nick’s work. The process started getting easier almost right away. The difference between where I am now vs where I started from is like night and day." — CEO Divorce Support Client

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