Nick Meima

January 12, 2018 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

10 Ways to Help Support a Friend Through Divorce

I had no idea how to help as I watched my best friend go through a divorce. What could I say or do to make things better? I felt useless as I could only imagine how she was feeling.

Most people will shy away from uncomfortable situations, especially very emotional situations believing that the person involved in the emotional situation needs time to themselves. In the case of divorce, this is definitely not the case.

As an adult, it is hard to reach out to others for help, especially when your self-esteem is shattered. Here are 10 ways you can help a friend going through a divorce or the end of a relationship—before it happens, as it is happening and then after. [Read more…] about 10 Ways to Help Support a Friend Through Divorce

September 14, 2017 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

Letting Go is a Difficult Process

Letting go of the pain, sadness, grief and the many challenging emotions involved in ending a relationship is always difficult.

The proverb “Time heals all wounds” is categorically untrue. Time does not heal all wounds. If work isn’t done on healing the wounds associated with divorce scarring will result. I often hear clients say: “I thought I was over my grief and then out of nowhere I just broke down again. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get past this divorce?”

July 11, 2016 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

We are Enough and Perfect

Enough and Perfect

Psychologists, theologians, and spiritual teachers often espouse that we are enough and perfect as we are. This idea has been popularized most recently in the work of Brene Brown who’s recent Ted Talk which focused on our human connection–that is, our ability to empathize, belong and love.

Shame is the inner emotional state that is the polar opposite and it is a result of believing, accepting and acting as though we are not enough: For example, we act or believe as though we are inadequate, unlovable, defective, unacceptable, unworthy, or worthless.

After Divorce Support

In our After Divorce Support program we operate on the premise that each of us is enough. Students often comment that it does not seem “like a big deal to be enough.” We then ask them, “well what if I told you that you are perfect?” They object to the idea of being perfect.

The dictionary defines enough as “in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire.” In other words: nothing needs to be added, nothing more is needed. A dictionary definition of “Perfect’ is: “complete” – nothing more is needed to complete it.

So the reality is that we are enough, we are perfect.

As we all know, we all can be “wrapped up in shame” or we can shed it. It takes intention and practice to shed our shame. And it is necessary because we can not create a loving relationship with ourself or anyone else if we are caught up in shame. We cannot build our self-esteem if we are full of shame or shaming ourselves.

So start with the awareness that you may be in” not enough” or “victim” consciousness. Talk to people about your limiting beliefs. Talk about where you are caught in the painful limitations of shame. Shame will persist unless you talk about it ( not talking about it -keeps you locked in the prison cell of shame).

If you want to create healthy relationships -you have to start with yourself ( work from the inside out). Then work on creating relationships where both of you are living from the belief of being enough.

The only relationships that are wonderful and sustainable are those in which both people are building their lives from the truth of being enough.

June 21, 2016 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

How’s your love life?

After my divorce people began asking me –“how’s your love life”?

What they were asking about –was I dating anyone, had I found a new “love interest”?
The love life that matters most –I discovered- is the one inside of me.
Was I in a loving relationship with me?
As with most people going through the end of a relationship, I had to work my way through disentanglement from my ex, and through my grief and anger, and through the process of starting to feel OK about myself as a single person.
I did not understand how I, like almost everyone else, did not truly love me. I had always been focused on my career, doing what I thought I had to do to be loving- at least to appear loving, in order to be accepted, approved of, or hopefully not get hurt.
What I came to realize is that I was not loving me, was not accepting me , not compassionate with me , not forgiving of myself.What I gradually learned is that I had a very narrow and really distorted view of love.I thought loving my ex and my children, my parents, and siblings, and be a “good neighbor”, and love my friends would bring me the love I wanted. So what I learned is that the major part of my love life needed to be in me loving me.
How and what was I feeding myself? The food I was eating, the books and magazines I was reading, the movies and TV shows, the hours spent on line ( Facebook, e-mail, and all the sites that “wanted” me to visit them). What I learned is that I needed to eat healthy , nutritious food. I needed to exercise EVERYday. That I needed to read material that was “nutritious” – that inspired, challenged and encouraged me. That the shows, and movies I watched really had a big effect and I had to change my media “diet.”
One of the major areas for me, was the relationship to my thoughts and feelings. Like most people my inner judge and critic were very active, and I had not realized just the extent to which they were such a powerful negative influence.
Mostly, because of the inner negativity, I numbed my feelings, and was numb to all the negative judgements I had about myself. As Brene Brown pointed out, we cannot numb just one feeling, when we numb, we numb all our feelings.
I also learned that my feelings are a gift, each one to be appreciated (not easy to do- obviously). But each feeling, if felt, informed me about what was needing attention in my life-. As Sue Johnson said in her book “Hold me Tight”-“ without knowing what we are feeling we have no compass.”
I gradually realized that I had been in scarcity and “not enough” consciousness . So I was always looking to others, instead of myself–for approval, acceptance and love.
So now I pay attention to when the inner (or outer too) judge and critic are attacking me – and now I can say- “That’s not true “. Instead, I can now comfort, accept and love myself ( Kristin Neff has a good video on you-tube about how to do this).
I have learned that it is necessary to love myself no matter what. If I have a negative thought , to then comfort myself and bring love the “one” that is scared, hurt, confused, angry , judgmental ( towards myself or someone else), the one who feels lost, alone, desperate, unlovable, unacceptable, ashamed, inadequate, not smart enough, not enough etc. to be able to say to myself “ it’s OK , I love you , it’s going to alright”, I know you are having these ___ thoughts- I love you–those thoughts are not accurate are not true- I love you just the way you are.”
When we wake up, to ask – “what is a loving thing I can do for myself today?” and then do it. Proving in a simple way that you can and do love yourself.
When you look in to the mirror, to repeat to yourself repeatedly “I love you” . This “practice” counter-acts all of the judgmental thoughts and messages we have been sending to ourselves all our lives.
When you look at your body in the mirror, to say I love you to the parts of your body. Most people are very attached and committed to being judgmental and critical of their bodies. If we don’t like, or hate our bodies, we are not loving ourselves. Our bodies are amazing, and you have only one body- gratitude is what all of us need to learn to feel for our bodies. This is the only body you have- appreciate it, love it –just the way it is (not if…, not when…..).
Being able to love yourself –no matter what. We all deserve more love, not less.
We deserve it, we need it.
The truth is that whatever we do that is not loving to our-self or to others – ultimately deserves our forgiveness.
We can never judge, criticize or shame ourselves into self-love , self-acceptance and self-compassion and self-esteem By accepting , appreciating, valuing ,and having compassion for ourselves we grow in our love for ourselves.
In order to be able to receive the love that other people have to offer, we have to be able to receive it ( which means first to give it) from ourselves. If we don’t love and accept ourselves, we have no true love to give.
The most wonderful creation in this life, is to create a life that we love ( to be able to truly say:”I love my life”) –which fundamentally means that we love ourselves. We cannot separate our-self from our life.

So —how’s your love life?

June 18, 2016 by Nick Meima

What are We Afraid of When a Relationship Ends?

Fears of Relationship Ending

Relationship ending brings many changes. Many of the changes are unwanted, and can lead to more fears- losing friends, how will my family/neighbors/coworkers/church members etc.- view me now?

Some fears you have lived with all your life-some you outgrew. Sometimes we have fears that are dormant when we are in a committed relationship. When the relationship is threatened or has ended it unleashes fears that my never have been reckoned with.

Fear of being a divorced person.

Fears of: feeling alone, vulnerable, somehow exposed, that we will be perceived as defective, unstable. Fear about what will happen to the children, fear of being a single parent, fear about moving, fear about making decisions that you have never had to make on your own, fear about money, and fears about all the emotions that seem so overwhelming.

One of the biggest obstacles is fear of fear.

Often when we feel fear we go into avoidance mode (food, alcohol, drugs, TV, over working, we all have our “preferred” ways of going in to avoidance. These ways of dealing with fears only paralyzes us!

Every one of our fears need to be faced –if not, they will remain and gain greater energy and influence in our lives and potentially influence future new relationships.

How do we face fear? We often need support- that’s why we often find that the greatest strength in the process of rebuilding- is to be vulnerable. Sharing with a close friend , we find that they too have felt this fear, can easily relate and are willing to “walk with you” ( go to court with you, helping to find a new job, go looking at apartments, share professional referrals –experience mediators, a moving company, therapists etc.). Most importantly they will listen, empathize and validate you in your process.

List your fears-

Write them out –be specific –what are you afraid will happen? Frequently , when we see it written in black and white, we can see that they are not real, or at least not nearly as significant as we were making them out to be.

See a therapist, or counselor or coach-

Some of your fears are very old, many from childhood, and they may have been a factor in your relationship ending. Not only do you have old fears, you now have a lot of new ones. All of these fears can, and need to be dealt with, and a professional can help you through the process.

Take a Divorce Recovery class-

(the Rebuilding Seminar is among the best), having teachers or facilitators that have been through the rebuilding process, volunteers that have taken the seminar, and having class mates that can share their process and experiences with you-learning from and supporting each other-will be among the most valuable steps you can take in growing through the process.

One way or another, your fears need to dealt with. Some, if you relate to them constructively can spur you in to action- to make a decision (hire an attorney, register for a class, apply for a job, “stand up for yourself”. Use fear of being hurt in future relationships as a motivator to grow emotionally, and to choose differently in future relationships, or to motivate you to get stronger physically.

Many of us become paralyzed by fear, not realizing that if each fear is confronted it will lead to clarity, as we step through the fear we find that the reality was not nearly as challenging as we had expected.

If you are ready to take action and heal these fears–before you start a new relationship–contact us, join our Rebuilding Seminar!Fear

Is it the fear of being alone, afraid of loneliness? Are we afraid that no one else will want to be with us, that no one will love us? Are we afraid of growing older? Concerned about how aging affects our energy, how our bodies tend to change, our faces gain more lines, our hair thins and turns gray- altogether for most of us- aging is unacceptable?