There are ways to increase positive, loving open-hearted connections with our partner, our friends. There are also ways to ensure that we increase our separation, disconnection, closed-heartedness. This is what has to stop if you want to increase your happiness and sense of well-being.

The Four Separators

• Judgment
• Guilt
• Shame
• Blame

These are the top four typically used in splitting from others. The basis for these behaviors is the belief that we are “less than”, “not enough”, that we will never get what we need. We live in a climate that reinforces these beliefs, that premises there is never enough, that we constantly need to seek for more.

The truth is that when we start with ourselves- start living with compassion and love for ourselves, and find that the world opens its heart to us. Our relationships become more loving, nurturing, and pleasing.

So, how do we stop trying to manipulate ourselves and others using the four demons?

3 Steps to Stop Manipulating Ourselves

1. Realize how painful and cruel it is when we are judged, blamed, made to feel guilty, and shamed. Once we really feel the effect that these emotions have on us (when you do it to yourself and to others-or when it is done to us), we have taken the first step.
2. Realize that this is a “habit” was reinforced over time –most of our parents, managers, teachers, relatives etc., have used these destructive patterns in relating to us-and therefore with practice can be changed.
3. To vision the difference it would make to change- to treat yourself and others with appreciation, respect, compassion, and positive regard. Then, to put this in to practice. We all fail, fall prey to the demons, but with awareness and resolve we can forgive ourselves and the other, and move ahead with acceptance.

The power to realize that we matter, that we are enough, lies within each of us. So, in your relationships discern where you are trying to “get” the other to treat you in a particular way, in order that  that  you  can then feel  OK about yourself. Your relationships will grow, only when you are constructive.

Why You Should Wait to Date After Divorce

There are many “online experts” who suggest that you should jump into the dating pool right after your divorce. In our experience it’s not a good idea.

Many people are in denial about the emotional and practical challenges they face in relationship loss. Divorce or death of a spouse is rated one of the most stressful of life events.

Inevitably there are adjustments:

• to a new living situation
• to living alone
• to being solely responsible for the children
• to have the children on a part of the time bases
• to having less money to live on
• to your former partner’s “family” will likely no longer be part of your life
• to old friends “drop away”

If you have children, there will be major adjustments they have to make. Before you can adequately support them, you need to do the work that it takes to become as strong and stable as possible.

Without healing from the painful aspects of relationship loss and learning what you did to contribute to it’s ending, you are setting up the new relationship with a weak foundation.

As a result the new relationship could be more problematic than the last. The statistics for “rebound “relationships” show a staggering failure rate. Not only is the process painful for you, but children, friends and relatives are dragged through the process as well.

Don’t get stuck in denial. Don’t jump from one painful ending into a new problematic relationship.

What’s best to do instead? Develop new friendships. We all need support to make it through the rough spots and help us celebrate the moments of success and accomplishment. In the process you can gain new perspectives about what you really value, enjoy, and what your new goals in life will be as a single person.

So take your time; do your healing work. Take the Rebuilding Seminar with its proven success in helping people move through the challenges of relationship loss.

 

 

The Blame Game

Blame – assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.

No matter the size of the mishap, accident, or pain, it is easy to point the finger, placing the blame or responsibility on someone or something outside of ourselves.

5 reasons we play the blame game

1. Blame is an excellent defense mechanism. Whether you call it projection, denial, or displacement, blame helps you preserve your sense of self-esteem by avoiding awareness of your own flaws or failings.
2. Blame is a tool we use when we’re in attack mode. Falling into the category of a destructive conflict resolution method, blame is a way to try to hurt our partners.
3. We’re not very good at figuring out the causes of other people’s behavior, or even our own. The attributions we make, whether to luck or ability, can be distorted by our tendency to make illogical judgments. And we’re just as bad at making judgments involving the blameworthiness of actions in terms of intent vs. outcome.
4. It’s easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. There’s less effort involved in recognizing your contributions to a bad situation than in accepting the fact that you’re actually at fault, and changing so you don’t do it again.
5. People lie. Robert Feldman, discovered, “Everybody lies.” It’s pretty easy just to lie and blame someone else even though you know you’re at fault. You may figure that no one will know it was really you who spilled coffee all over the break room, so you just blame someone else who’s not there (and hope that person never finds out).

List from Psychology Today

But, is pointing the finger worth it?

Debbie Dickinson tells us that pointing the finger is a short term feel good.  But, if you are looking for closure and freedom from the pain, you must take responsibility for your own actions.

Here’s Two Reasons Why:

1. The first is to get closure on your marriage and divorce. Not owning up to your part puts you in the victim role.
2. The second reason is baggage. You carry the same thoughts, beliefs and behaviors into the next relationship.

Conclusion:

Pointing the finger and playing the blame game keeps us stuck.  Trapped in the past pain that keeps us repeating the same pattern.

To move past blame take a look at your role and responsibility in the mishap, accident, or pain. This can be difficult and you may need someone to help you see clearly.

You may consider the Rebuilding Series to help you identify your role in your divorce or break-up so you can set yourself free.

The things I wish someone told me about divorce before I began the whole process.

Michele Zipp – Huffington Post, “They say marriage takes a lot of work, and it does, work that can be really rewarding. But divorce takes even more work, especially when there are kids involved.”

Here’s what women wished they would have been told:

1. It’s nothing at all like when your husband was away on business and it was nice to have the bed to yourself. That gets old. You get lonely.
2. He’s not going to be there. Ever. Never again in the way that he was. He’s gone. For good.
3. Don’t rush things unless you are in an abusive situation.
4. You may want to hide when you are first going through divorce. You won’t want to talk about it with anyone.
5. You will have to remind yourself that you are not a failure. That the relationship simply ran its course, it had an expiration date.
6. You may never feel truly sure you made the right decision particularly if you have children together.
7. There is going to be an in-law situation and you won’t know how to carry on your relationship with them.
8. When your kids are sick, you are the only one home to care for them and he’s not there to ask him for help.
9. When you are sick, he is no longer there to care for you.
10. You will miss his cooking, even if he isn’t a good cook, but simply because there was someone else there to make meals and it isn’t all on you. And if he was a good cook, it’s going to be even harder.
11. You still may call him by the pet name you had for him and it slips out when discussing a matter and it hangs there in the air and hurts.
12. If you thought talking about money with your husband was hard, try talking about money with your ex-husband.
13. There will be no more “stay here with the kids for an hour so I can run out to do errands.”
14. It may feel natural to reach out to hold onto his arm when you go out for coffee to discuss the kids, but you aren’t supposed to hold onto his arm anymore.
15. You will miss your wedding ring … feeling it there on your finger and what it represented.
16. Your wedding album is like a ghost.
17. You won’t know what to do with your wedding dress.
18. If you knew what you knew now, you wouldn’t have spent all that money on that wedding dress. Instead you should have banked it to save for couples’ therapy.
19. You might have to politely ask your parents to take down your wedding photo they still have hanging on the wall in the living room because it hurts too much to see it.
20. It’s not easy. Not even if you are the one who wanted a divorce.
21. You’ll wonder if he’s dating someone new and if he’s thinking she’s better than you.
22. When he gets serious with another woman, dealing with that woman being around your children is going to be harder than you could ever imagine.
23. After all the hurt subsides, you remember all the good things and sort of forget the bad and the hurt starts again but in a different way.
24. What if … there will be lots of these.
25. You will look at your kids, that are his kids too, and wonder how in the world are you going to be able to make it through all these holidays for the rest of your lives and still figure out how to be a family that is no longer living together.
26. You may notice it feels weird to still have the gifts he’s given to you over the years even if it’s something as mundane as a toaster. And you may start having nostalgia about the toaster.
27. You might fondle the silverware gifted to you at your bridal shower and feel bad that all your friends and family gave you all these wonderful gifts for a marriage that didn’t last.
28. You may worry some of your friends might be thinking about those gifts they gifted you.
29. You may lose some friends.
30. Some of your family may not understand why you are getting divorced and that can be very challenging to deal with on top of dealing with divorce itself.
31. There will be a bit of pain when you refer to him as “Daddy” to your kids, but that’s his name and how he’s addressed, so you must deal.
32. You are going to want to confide in your ex because you are so used to doing so, but you have to learn how to stop doing that.
33. It may take a long time for you to be ‘friends’ — whatever that means. It may never happen.
34. There will be a time when your kids will wonder how the two of you were ever together in the first place. They may never even remember a time when you were together.
35. You remember what it was like to fall in love with the man you married and you truly wonder how in the world did it all fall apart.
36. The above makes you terrified to ever get married again.

We would love for you to add to this list in the comment section.

 

 

The Effects of Divorce on Men and Women

As you would expect, men and women experience divorce very differently.  Society tells us that women struggle more than men.  As it turns out, men often find divorce more challenging to their overall health and well-being.

According to a recent study from the Journal of Men’s Health, divorced men are more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure, and strokes than married men are — in addition to being 39 percent more likely to commit suicide and engage in risky behavior.

To understand a little more about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women and children it is helpful to know the facts.

• 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And while this is somewhat accurate, it’s also a bit misleading. Age is a factor in this percentage.  Those who marry when between the ages of 20 to 24 have the highest rate of divorce.
• 67% percent of all second marriages end in divorce and 73% of all third marriages.
• 50% of all children are children of divorced parents.

Here are some of the experiences of men and women in divorce:

For women:

1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men.

2. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court.)

3. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children.

4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200.

5. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support and  75% receive court-ordered child support.

6. After divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than do men. The reasons for this are that (1) women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when such problems end, (2) women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help from others, and (3) women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce and add new roles to their lives.

7. Women who work and place their children in child care experience a greater stigma than men in the same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.

For men:

1. Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women. The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the common interruption of the parental role.

2. Men tend to remarry more quickly than women.

3. As compared to “deadbeat dads,” men who have shared parenting (joint legal custody), ample time with their children, and an understanding of and direct responsibility for activities and expenses of children, stay involved in their children’s lives and are in greater compliance with child support obligations. There is also a greater satisfaction with child support amount when negotiated in mediation.

4. Men are initially more negative about divorce than women and devote more energy in attempting to salvage the marriage.

These facts and figures give us the bigger picture of how divorce affects men, women and children across America.  What it doesn’t tell us are the individual stories and how it impacts lives.