• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

CEO Divorce Coach HomepageCEO Divorce Coach

Personalized, One-on-One Support for Professionals Dealing with Divorce

  • Home
  • 1-on-1 CEO Program
  • About
  • Articles
  • Contact
  • Self Test

Emotional Pain

January 30, 2020 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

How to Deal with Conflict in a Relationship

There’s a certain degree of conflict that’s inevitable where each of us has a need which may conflict with another person’s need. Conflict isn’t inherently bad, so the question is how do we deal with it?

Let’s use this example

We’re driving in the car and the temperature in the car is uncomfortable for you. The first question is do you say something? The second is how do you communicate about it? It starts with having a need that’s not met and how you negotiate to get it met.

The way you communicate can be simple and clear which allows us to make a simple adjustment to the temperature in the car. Or if you communicate by saying “What’s wrong with you that it’s so cold or hot in here?” then it becomes a criticism or judgment as opposed to an expression of a need. Now it becomes a major conflict with emotional entanglement. Now, we’re into what we can call a “fight” and we’re battling for power and control and some respect and recognition.

Conflict and Paradigms
The paradigms always at play are power and control, closeness and caring and respect and recognition.

We tend to approach these situations where we feel like we don’t have control or power, or we feel like the other person doesn’t care about us or respect us or recognize our needs. Some of us have what is referred to as a bias to negativity: We tend to have a bias toward thinking the other person doesn’t care about us and as a result, it intensifies our defensiveness with the other person and now, we’re deep into a fight. You don’t care about me and for me to “survive”, I must fight for what I need. Now it becomes more aggressive rather than assertive, now I’m more and more in victim consciousness. Wherein my belief is I’m not enough and I’m not going to get the recognition or caring or be in control. This is happening TO me, I’m the victim here.

Now I go to my typical fight, flight or freeze because I’m now in a very defended mode and depending on who the person is and what the circumstances are, I might use any one of those three defenses which makes the behavior aggressive not assertive. That’s how most people play out conflict; they cycle back from a simple start to intensifying partly because of how they define it (oh, this person doesn’t care about temperature) and now I’m in a “life-or-death” struggle. It’s not literally life or death but in the victim consciousness we drop into, it feels like that.

Authentic Consciousness and Conflict
We want to change the paradigm into authentic consciousness so we might express our discomfort by saying, “I wonder if we can adjust the temperature as it’s a little too chilly in the car.” And the driver says, “Sure, that’s fine.” It all starts with a simple need and how that need gets expressed.

If I’m in victim consciousness, I already have a preconceived notion that I don’t matter so that affects how I communicate and that affects you and how you react or respond to me. If I’m in authentic consciousness, I can say, “Hey, I get that you’re upset, what exactly do you need?” If I get triggered, now two of us are in reactive mode and the conflict escalates into where I’m going to be “right” and you’re going to be “wrong”.

So, communicating from a place of authentic consciousness shows that we know and implicitly believe that we deserve to be cared for; we know that we deserve a degree of respect and recognition and we know that we can negotiate from a place of power, so we have it within us. That comes from an implicit acceptance of our true identity as a wonderful person, a gem, and knowing that we are enough.

Conflict and Negative Bias
The negative bias starts from the place of “I’m not enough”. I’m always scanning my environment and always finding confirmation of my “not enoughness”. So, if I’m not enough, there’s never enough. There’s never enough love, money, whatever it is. So, remembering that in victim consciousness, because I’m not enough, I’m feeling anxious because I’m always dependent on other people. I feel shame because I’m not enough. I feel resentment and blame so the one word I use to describe all the emotions that are constantly alive in us in victim consciousness is desperation.

When I’m desperate, I act desperately—there’s simply not enough and I’m desperate to try to find it and create it. The consciousness here is based on fear and that prompts a constant state of reactivity.

According to Henry David Thoreau, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” That’s what’s referred to here; there’s no ease, no sense of belongingness. We must numb ourselves to cope with it as underneath it is a sense of anxiety, blame, shame and resentment. And, for this person, there’s never enough, however, there can be enough when you move from victim consciousness to authentic consciousness.

 

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain

December 10, 2019 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

7 Ways to Improve Your Self-Image During Divorce

The first struggle which often accompanies stressful times is a poor self-image. Taking care of yourself and starting each day looking nice is a rare occurrence when you’re feeling emotionally shattered. It is only natural that you are going to feel sad and upset. You may have a hard time moving forward. The important thing is that you take care of yourself.

Here are 7 ways to jumpstart improving your self-image

  1. Begin a New Hobby. Consider hiking, biking, cycling, swimming, reading, dancing, cooking, sewing, crafting, painting, writing, blogging, etc. Choose something you’ve always wanted to do and which will have a positive impact on your self-image. Hobbies are a wonderful way to get out of the house and interact with people who have the same passions as you.
  2. Exercise. A recreation class is an ideal way to get out of the house and rev up your metabolism. Working out will help you feel good about yourself while improving your health. Many workout classes are also a great way to meet new friends.
  3. Get Dressed! Men: Shave! Women: Use a bit of make-up! Your self-esteem barometer will soar! Take time to care about what you look like by making the effort to look good every day even if you’re unsure what your plans are.
  4. Invest in a clothing subscription service. Divorce is a highly transitional time in life. It’s important to dress appropriately for every occasion – especially if you don’t feel like it. Your budget may have changed when your relationship changed and investing in a  clothing subscription service such as Le Tote can ensure you have fresh wardrobe options. Wearing nice clothing every single day will increase your self-image and how others view you, too.
  5. Maintain a healthy diet. It is very easy to visit a drive-thru to avoid cooking dinner at home. Don’t fall into this routine. Make a trip to the grocery store and seek out healthy foods you can eat on-the-go. If you don’t feel like making dinner, pick up a pre-made salad, a container of organic soup and some dinner rolls. There are healthy protein bars you can find in the natural and organic aisle, too. Choosing to eat a healthy breakfast and pack a lunch for work is an ideal way to keep costs down and improve your health at the same time.
  6. Reach out to old and new friends. Keeping in touch with friends is very important during a time of change and trauma. Haven’t spoken to a friend in a few years? The benefit of the Internet and social media is that one can feel like they still know a person they have not seen in a while due to viewing their online pictures and posts. Don’t be afraid to make contact again. Being around fresh minds and faces can shine some light on your self-image.
  7. Read a Self-Help Book. Ebooks, Nooks and Kindles have made it possible to read in a variety of inexpensive ways. If your mind wanders while reading the book, pick up another until you resonate with one.

Taking these steps to rebuild yourself after a traumatic, life-changing experience is a step in the right direction.  It takes courage and determination to move forward and as women, we have that drive. Slowly over time the wounds will heal and keeping up with your self-image is extremely important to help those wounds heal.

For Divorce Support and Divorce Coaching, please contact Nick Meima, founder of the nationally-recognized company, After Divorce Support.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain, Rebuilding, Self Compassion Tagged With: divorce support, how to increase your self image after a divorce, self esteem, self image, self image and self esteem

November 30, 2019 by Nick Meima

Participating in the 10-Week Rebuilding Program

Should I participate in the 10-week Rebuilding program? This is a question we hear from people going through the challenges of a relationship ending. Many wonder when the right time is to begin healing and participating in the 10-week program.

It’s never too early to begin rebuilding your life. Starting over is challenging in so many ways and by committing to Rebuilding your life step-by-step, you’ll find it’s likely that you won’t struggle for long.

Unfortunately, most people stop their process before it even starts.

It isn’t easy to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, so most people try to numb them away. Instead of reaching out for support, they prolong their suffering and remain locked in a “holding  pattern.”  As a result, they get stuck in anger, resentment, grief, loneliness, depression and a perpetual state of being the victim.

If we are physically injured, we would immediately seek medical care. Going through the loss of a relationship is arguably more profound and painful than most physical injuries. It requires a lot of support, adjustment and information. We had an identity as being married or having a partner and now we need to go through a prolonged period to “re-identify” ourselves.

I’ve have had some group members begin our 10-week Rebuilding program within days of their relationship ending; others have waited until the pain of coping on their own was just t0o much to deal with. Wherever you are in your journey, by the end of 10 weeks, with the support and encouragement of facilitators, volunteers and class members, everyone who attends does a great deal of healing. You’ll regain your sense of humor and optimism and you’ll develop a new sense of stability.

When there is a significant wound, physical or emotional, the time to begin the healing process is now. The Rebuilding program will help you heal.

Consider taking our complimentary self-test to discover where you are on the path to emotional healing and well-being.

Please call me, Nick Meima, at any time, to talk about where you are on your path. I’d really like to help ease your transition.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain, Rebuilding Tagged With: divorce, starting over, timing

November 15, 2019 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

What is a Divorce Ceremony and How Can It Help Me?

Once a significant amount of emotional processing and healing has happened, it’s time to create a divorce ceremony. Relationship endings usually do not happen quickly. There is often an unraveling process where one or both partners grow distant, mistrust grows, contempt develops while in others there may be a “withering”. There is no normal way relationships reach the point where they are broken beyond repair.

A divorce ceremony is an ideal way to untie the knot that has become a tangled web. We’re emotionally entangled in a relationship and disentanglement takes time and requires conscious and deliberate thinking to continue distancing yourself from your partner emotionally. As we go about making a fresh start, we need to leave as much baggage behind us as possible.

Relationship-ending is an event. There are some necessary steps along the healing path of transformation once it’s clear an ending is imminent. Many of us deal with some degree of denial, anger, grief, confusion, anxiety, fear. Some experience loneliness due to lost friends and spousal connections and many of us lose our identity as a spouse. Each emotion needs to be addressed.

The financial base of our lives is also compromised. We try to navigate a legal ending when civility is difficult to maintain. If we’re parents, we lose our active daily parenting partner and the ability to have a 24/7 relationship with our children. Work performance is often compromised as a result of the ending process. Sometimes a new job is required, adding to the stress.

Many people find they can’t sleep. Often physical symptoms (back pain, ulcers, high blood pressure, colds, and allergies) manifest. Depression, anxiety, increased use of alcohol or other substances, over-eating and various ways of “numbing” frequently go along with a divorce. Some try to bypass the pain by jumping into a new relationship and most often that relationship will not be healthy and will end painfully, thereby compounding pain and extending the healing process.

Children are also deeply affected by a breakup. There are often significant changes in school performance, some try drugs or risky behavior, all as a reaction to the emotional upheaval.  I often tell clients that if they are unable or unwilling to go through the healing process for themselves, then do it for the kids. So often children are emotionally abandoned, neglected, and betrayed as parents deal with their pain. When a parent deals with pain in a constructive way, sooner rather than never, they are able to step into a parenting role in a strong and responsible way. When at least one parent goes through the healing process, the children have at least one stable parent to attach to, and that will often prevent the children from compensating in other ways.

No matter what the particular process of unraveling was, or what the ending was like, everyone has to “let go” in order to “move on”. In the words of Joseph Campbell, “We have to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Or as Socrates said, “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

Creating a Divorce Ceremony

An “undoing” is not possible, but releasing your partner and yourself from the vows made during a marriage ceremony is possible and enormously helpful in untangling.

There can be a wide array of elements to a ceremony and it needs to be tailored to your specific ending.

Here are some examples to consider including in your ceremony:

  • Re-purposing your wedding dress or attire
  • Using the wedding ring(s) in a new way
  • Writing new vows as co-parents
  • Speaking specific statements releasing your partner from your marital vows
  • Naming specific ways you are severing the relationship
  • Taking a new name
  • Name what you will keep or preserve because it will be helpful in moving forward
  • Identify symbols of the past and that which symbolizes your future
  • Choosing a meaningful location for the ceremony
  • Having family and friends attend and participate
  • Choosing food and beverages that would help symbolize moving forward

A Certified Celebrant can design and officiate a wedding ceremony and when an ending comes can also “untie” you. A divorce ceremony is designed to help disentangle. Every divorce ceremony is uniquely designed for each person and their situation.

We invite you to listen to the CF&I Celebrant Wisdom Teleconference with special guest and Certified Celebrant, Nick Meima, who talks with us about creating a divorce or uncoupling ceremony. 

Listen to Nick’s recorded interview. 

Contact Certified Celebrant Nick Meima at 720-524-3664 or visit After Divorce Support for details on his 10-week Rebuilding seminar, to schedule a coaching session, or to create your unique divorce ceremony today.

Filed Under: Blog, Creative, Divorce, Emotional Pain

October 25, 2019 by Nick Meima

Surviving or Thriving! Your Choice!

Surviving divorce is one of the most difficult, stressful, confusing, chaotic and painful times in life. Getting through the process is challenging and has many ups and downs.

  • Some people go into denial
  • blame
  • shame
  • or they start numbing – using: alcohol, exercise, TV, social media, pornography, overeating

All in an effort to just get through the day.

The problem is that pain and confusion don’t go away. Numbing just intensifies your struggle. Thriving is possible after a divorce if you confront the issues that led you to divorce head-on.

Surviving divorce means asking hard questions

  • How did I contribute to the relationship not working?
  • What got in the way of my giving my best to the relationship?
  • If I chose the wrong person, what do I need to learn to ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes?
  • How can I get through this and become stronger emotionally?
  • How can I give my best to my kids and to my work while I am going through my relationship ending?

I offer tools, techniques and ways to help you work through the end of a relationship. We work together so that you don’t wind up (or stay in) what we call “victim” consciousness or VC. VC generally indicates that you’re blaming someone else, you’re struggling with forgiving yourself, or you just can’t seem to move on with your life.

Learn, heal and grow while surviving divorce

  • In the Rebuilding Seminar, we help people avoid depression, acute anxiety, chemical dependency and other addictions.
  • In the seminar or via individual sessions we offer ways that lead to self- awareness, self-compassion and higher self-esteem.
  • A Rebuilding Seminar leads you toward stability, more understanding and ultimately to a satisfying and fulfilling life in which thriving and growing are obvious indicators of positive change.

Consider that there really are ways you can learn which involve learning, healing, growing, and gaining more knowledge and awareness which will allow you to create the life you want versus trying to minimize the effects of being a victim and living a life no one would ever want

Rebuild your Life

Please join us for a Rebuilding Seminar. We offer individual coaching, group workshops, online classes and in-person group sessions. We refer to the best-selling book Rebuilding-When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher and we’ve helped thousands of people walk through the struggles of divorce with more ease and confidence than they ever could have imagined.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain, Rebuilding, Self Compassion Tagged With: choice, suriving, thriving

  • Go to page 1
  • Go to page 2
  • Go to page 3
  • Go to Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

How CEOs can Prevent Divorce from Wrecking their Lives – FREE AUDIO

Major benefit/change they'll experience from downloading and listening to the free audio

Footer

"As a surgeon, I was desperate to find a way to cope with my divorce. My confidence was undermined. My performance in the operating room, and my interactions with patients, staff and colleagues were all deteriorating. Fortunately a friend recommended Nick’s work. The process started getting easier almost right away. The difference between where I am now vs where I started from is like night and day." — CEO Divorce Support Client

Call Nick at 720-524-3664

Email Nick

© 2023  ·  CEO Divorce Coach  ·  All Rights Reserved

Site by: DOiNG GOOD Branding and Website Design for Wellness Brands