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Self Compassion

December 10, 2019 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

7 Ways to Improve Your Self-Image During Divorce

The first struggle which often accompanies stressful times is a poor self-image. Taking care of yourself and starting each day looking nice is a rare occurrence when you’re feeling emotionally shattered. It is only natural that you are going to feel sad and upset. You may have a hard time moving forward. The important thing is that you take care of yourself.

Here are 7 ways to jumpstart improving your self-image

  1. Begin a New Hobby. Consider hiking, biking, cycling, swimming, reading, dancing, cooking, sewing, crafting, painting, writing, blogging, etc. Choose something you’ve always wanted to do and which will have a positive impact on your self-image. Hobbies are a wonderful way to get out of the house and interact with people who have the same passions as you.
  2. Exercise. A recreation class is an ideal way to get out of the house and rev up your metabolism. Working out will help you feel good about yourself while improving your health. Many workout classes are also a great way to meet new friends.
  3. Get Dressed! Men: Shave! Women: Use a bit of make-up! Your self-esteem barometer will soar! Take time to care about what you look like by making the effort to look good every day even if you’re unsure what your plans are.
  4. Invest in a clothing subscription service. Divorce is a highly transitional time in life. It’s important to dress appropriately for every occasion – especially if you don’t feel like it. Your budget may have changed when your relationship changed and investing in a  clothing subscription service such as Le Tote can ensure you have fresh wardrobe options. Wearing nice clothing every single day will increase your self-image and how others view you, too.
  5. Maintain a healthy diet. It is very easy to visit a drive-thru to avoid cooking dinner at home. Don’t fall into this routine. Make a trip to the grocery store and seek out healthy foods you can eat on-the-go. If you don’t feel like making dinner, pick up a pre-made salad, a container of organic soup and some dinner rolls. There are healthy protein bars you can find in the natural and organic aisle, too. Choosing to eat a healthy breakfast and pack a lunch for work is an ideal way to keep costs down and improve your health at the same time.
  6. Reach out to old and new friends. Keeping in touch with friends is very important during a time of change and trauma. Haven’t spoken to a friend in a few years? The benefit of the Internet and social media is that one can feel like they still know a person they have not seen in a while due to viewing their online pictures and posts. Don’t be afraid to make contact again. Being around fresh minds and faces can shine some light on your self-image.
  7. Read a Self-Help Book. Ebooks, Nooks and Kindles have made it possible to read in a variety of inexpensive ways. If your mind wanders while reading the book, pick up another until you resonate with one.

Taking these steps to rebuild yourself after a traumatic, life-changing experience is a step in the right direction.  It takes courage and determination to move forward and as women, we have that drive. Slowly over time the wounds will heal and keeping up with your self-image is extremely important to help those wounds heal.

For Divorce Support and Divorce Coaching, please contact Nick Meima, founder of the nationally-recognized company, After Divorce Support.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain, Rebuilding, Self Compassion Tagged With: divorce support, how to increase your self image after a divorce, self esteem, self image, self image and self esteem

October 25, 2019 by Nick Meima

Surviving or Thriving! Your Choice!

Surviving divorce is one of the most difficult, stressful, confusing, chaotic and painful times in life. Getting through the process is challenging and has many ups and downs.

  • Some people go into denial
  • blame
  • shame
  • or they start numbing – using: alcohol, exercise, TV, social media, pornography, overeating

All in an effort to just get through the day.

The problem is that pain and confusion don’t go away. Numbing just intensifies your struggle. Thriving is possible after a divorce if you confront the issues that led you to divorce head-on.

Surviving divorce means asking hard questions

  • How did I contribute to the relationship not working?
  • What got in the way of my giving my best to the relationship?
  • If I chose the wrong person, what do I need to learn to ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes?
  • How can I get through this and become stronger emotionally?
  • How can I give my best to my kids and to my work while I am going through my relationship ending?

I offer tools, techniques and ways to help you work through the end of a relationship. We work together so that you don’t wind up (or stay in) what we call “victim” consciousness or VC. VC generally indicates that you’re blaming someone else, you’re struggling with forgiving yourself, or you just can’t seem to move on with your life.

Learn, heal and grow while surviving divorce

  • In the Rebuilding Seminar, we help people avoid depression, acute anxiety, chemical dependency and other addictions.
  • In the seminar or via individual sessions we offer ways that lead to self- awareness, self-compassion and higher self-esteem.
  • A Rebuilding Seminar leads you toward stability, more understanding and ultimately to a satisfying and fulfilling life in which thriving and growing are obvious indicators of positive change.

Consider that there really are ways you can learn which involve learning, healing, growing, and gaining more knowledge and awareness which will allow you to create the life you want versus trying to minimize the effects of being a victim and living a life no one would ever want

Rebuild your Life

Please join us for a Rebuilding Seminar. We offer individual coaching, group workshops, online classes and in-person group sessions. We refer to the best-selling book Rebuilding-When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher and we’ve helped thousands of people walk through the struggles of divorce with more ease and confidence than they ever could have imagined.

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce, Emotional Pain, Rebuilding, Self Compassion Tagged With: choice, suriving, thriving

July 11, 2016 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

We are Enough and Perfect

perfect

Enough and Perfect

Psychologists, theologians, and spiritual teachers often espouse that we are enough and perfect as we are. This idea has been popularized most recently in the work of Brene Brown who’s recent Ted Talk which focused on our human connection–that is, our ability to empathize, belong and love.

Shame is the inner emotional state that is the polar opposite and it is a result of believing, accepting and acting as though we are not enough: For example, we act or believe as though we are inadequate, unlovable, defective, unacceptable, unworthy, or worthless.

After Divorce Support

In our After Divorce Support program we operate on the premise that each of us is enough. Students often comment that it does not seem “like a big deal to be enough.” We then ask them, “well what if I told you that you are perfect?” They object to the idea of being perfect.

The dictionary defines enough as “in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire.” In other words: nothing needs to be added, nothing more is needed.  A dictionary definition of “Perfect’ is: “complete” – nothing more is needed to complete it.

So the reality is that we are enough, we are perfect.

As we all know, we all can be “wrapped up in shame” or we can shed it. It takes intention and practice to shed our shame. And it is necessary because we can not create a loving relationship with ourself or anyone else if we are caught up in shame. We cannot build our self-esteem if we are full of shame or shaming ourselves.

So start with the awareness that you may be in” not enough” or “victim” consciousness. Talk to people about your limiting beliefs. Talk about where you are caught in the painful limitations of shame. Shame will persist unless you talk about it ( not talking about it -keeps you locked in the prison cell of shame).

If you want to create healthy relationships -you have to start with yourself ( work from the inside out). Then work on creating relationships where both of you are living from the belief of being enough.

The only relationships that are wonderful and sustainable are those in which both people are building their lives from the truth of being enough.

Filed Under: Blog, Emotional Pain, General, Self Compassion

May 24, 2016 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

Five Steps to Mending a Broken Heart

Letting Go

Mending a Broken Heart in Five Steps:

Accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience some suffering.

When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.

The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Your pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken.

This is not to belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you’ve built up during your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time when the pain becomes unhealthy.

When you enter your bedroom at night, you switch on the light without thinking. If you obsess about your ex, and feel unhappy all the time, it’s likely that your unconscious mind is ‘switching on’ your emotions in exactly the same way.

Without realising it, you have programmed yourself to feel a pang of grief every time you hear that tune you danced to, or see your ex’s empty chair across the kitchen table.

You are upset—understandably upset—about a difficult situation or some aspect of yourself. You angrily question how unfair life is or why you don’t change. You fight the current situation, bringing on feelings of distress about your pain. This dilemma is so common that the Buddhists long ago reduced it to a formula: Pain x Resistance = Suffering. Translation: Fighting against (or resisting) the reality of the pain in your life creates suffering.

One common form of resistance is people rejecting their emotions. For instance, a husband might resist feeling angry towards his wife, though the anger is genuinely there. So, he experiences an inner conflict about his anger—on top of continuing to feel angry.

 It’s not unusual for people to be critical of their emotions when they think they are wrong for feeling a particular way. However, emotions can’t be wrong—they just are. Saying your emotions are wrong is like saying you were born with the wrong color hair. You might prefer to be a blonde (something you can change—at least temporarily—with a bottle), but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be a brunette. Similarly, the husband feels angry, which is neither right nor wrong.

Another common form of resistance occurs when people are critical of inherent traits. For instance, I have treated a number of anxious introverts who struggle with not liking parties. They think there is something wrong with themselves for this (a judgment that is supported by Western culture).  But, there is nothing inherently wrong with being introverted—it even has its benefits, such as sometimes being able to develop more intimate (though fewer) relationships.

Rather than resisting your pain, and so creating your own suffering, you would be wise to learn to accept your authentic self—your experience of who you really are and what you are really struggling with. In doing this, you can develop self-acceptance and self-compassion. For instance, when the introvert accepts her introversion, she can feel good about herself; whether or not she decides to work on developing more social interactions. She can also be compassionate to her own struggles with attending parties.

People who live authentically act in keeping with their inner experiences—such as their likes, dislikes, interests and values. They are happier in their relationships and achieve a greater sense of inner peace.

Mending a Broken Heart in 5 Steps

  1. Begin by accepting your current reality. Your situation is what it is. No amount of wishing for something different or rejecting the situation (or yourself) will change anything. However, by facing your problem, you can at least begin to address it.
  2. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and desires. Only by knowing your inner experiences can you be true to them. When they are painful, you can then at least find ways to comfort yourself and cope as effectively as possible with them.
  3. Choose to be accepting and compassionate to your experiences. No one ever healed from a blow to the head by hitting themselves there again. The same can be said of emotional pain; that is, self-criticism about some difficulty won’t resolve that problem. In both cases, the way to heal and move beyond the hurt is to accept it and find ways to nurture the wound.  More specifically with psychological pain, acceptance and compassion are essential to heal and to free yourself to nurture greater personal growth.
  4. Plan for a better future. If you are unhappy with some aspect of yourself or your circumstance, you would benefit from planning for the change you would like to see—even as you accept and nurture your current self.
  5. Develop supportive friendships. No one gets through this world alone. At some time or another, we all go through rough patches in life and can benefit from the support of good, caring friends.

In short, by accepting the present and having compassion for yourself, you can soothe your pain as you create a happier, more fulfilling future.

 

Filed Under: Self Compassion

May 14, 2016 by Nick Meima Leave a Comment

4 Keys to Self-Compassion

The Four Keys to Self-Compassion

  1. Realizing that if we are feeling sorry for ourselves , we will not generate self compassion. We need to step out of victim consciousness ( where we give our power away and then blame and resent others for not “taking care of us”, not meeting our needs). Or alternately we blame, judge, criticize,condemn,  shame and “guilt” ourselves. Life is challenging , most of it not in our control. When we can let go of the illusion of control, and accept that we are doing the best we can, then we can more kind and compassionate with ourselves.
  2. Stop comparing yourself to anyone else. Whenever we start comparing we are judging and criticizing others, and then we inevitably end judging and criticizing ourselves- where we don’t “measure up”. When we are harsh with ourselves, or others ( any judgement and self criticism -is destructive), we put ourselves in an emotionally painful, vulnerable place.
  3. The “heart” of Self Compassion is that we all need acceptance, love, tenderness, and compassion. We need to develop a daily, lifelong practice of being kind to ourselves, forgiving, and compassionate to ourselves. This is involves self talk that is gentle and kind ( the way we talk to our best friend, or our child if they were hurting, stung by the criticism or rejection of others, or experiencing shame).
  4. Feel it. Most of us just numb our feelings and as a result don’t allow ourselves to feel the effect of others behavior and words or are so conditioned and numb to our own  internal judgements and criticisms. When we feel the feelings, feel the effect of destructive behaviors and words- only then can we bring compassion, tenderness, kindness and compassion to/for ourselves.

At the core of transforming from victim consciousness to authentic consciousness- is truly accepting that you are “enough.” By definition , enough implies that nothing more can or need be added. In our Seminars and coaching we always work on this core issue, knowing that with accepting that we are enough , we can use our power to live  constructively ( vs. the destructiveness of victim consciousness). It is only then that WE work to meet our needs instead of relying on others to do so. Self Compassion and Self Love are the antidotes for all the disturbing experiences, feelings, thoughts , and necessary to change any negative beliefs about ourselves.

Additional Article and Video:

Why Self-Compassion Works Better than Self-Esteem

Shane & Epathy

Filed Under: Self Compassion

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"As a surgeon, I was desperate to find a way to cope with my divorce. My confidence was undermined. My performance in the operating room, and my interactions with patients, staff and colleagues were all deteriorating. Fortunately a friend recommended Nick’s work. The process started getting easier almost right away. The difference between where I am now vs where I started from is like night and day." — CEO Divorce Support Client

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